Needing Sandburg - Patt

Notes: This is actually a sequel to What Were You Thinking and What Now?. It would probably make more sense if you read those two, but it isn't necessary.

Day 1

Jim, Blair, Harper and Meyers met at Silver Dollar Steakhouse. After they were done eating Harper said, "We're both going undercover."

"Is it at least somewhere exciting? Somewhere warm?" Blair wondered how much he could ask about an undercover assignment.

"Nice try, Sandburg, but I can't tell you," Harper said with a smile in his voice.

The two men got up to leave and Meyers shook hands with both of them. But Harper kissed Jim on the mouth and Blair stood there in shock. Jim finally pulled back and said, "Come back to all of us safe and sound."

On their way home, Blair was upset about the kiss from Harper. "So what's up with Harp? You two kissing buddies now?"

"Chief, I don't know what he was doing. I don't kiss him. Well, not unless we're undercover or something," Jim tried to explain without sounding pitiful.

"Okay, I'll believe you this time." Blair got out of the truck not really listening to Jim anymore.

"I'll talk to him when he gets back. I don't want him to do that any more, Chief."

"Don't worry, he won't," Blair said quietly. But it was loud enough for Jim to hear and wonder about.

Day 4

Jim and Blair were in bed sleeping when someone pounded on the front door. "I'll get it, Chief." Jim got out of bed and made his way down the stairs. Pulling open the door, he was shocked to see some type of federal officers standing there.

"Are you Detective Blair Sandburg?" the lead man asked.

"No, I'm Detective Ellison. What's this about?"

"I'm Agent Samuel Simms. I'm FBI and we need to take Detective Sandburg in for questioning.

"What's going on, man?" Blair asked as he descended the stairs wearing only blue jeans and socks.

"Detective Blair Sandburg?" Agent Simms asked.

"Yeah, that's me. What's going on?"

"We're here to take you in for questioning about the murder of one Detective Kelly Harper." Simms watched the young man's face to see what he was going to do.

One of the younger agents turned Blair around and patted him down before he put the cuffs on him.

"This is bullshit. Harper's our friend." Jim was trying to take Blair away from the agent.

"Detective Ellison, you must step back and let us do our job. Get him a good lawyer," Simms continued.

"Let me get the rest of his clothes. You can't take him in like that," Jim ran up the stairs to grab all of Blair's clothing and his shoes. Oh god, what's going on?

He helped Blair get his clothes on under the FBI's watchful eyes. This time of year, Blair couldn't be going out without a shirt and shoes. It was so damn damp and cold. Sometimes Jim hated the fall. This was one of those times.

"Chief, I'll meet you down there. Don't worry about a thing and don't say a word."

"Sure..." Blair walked with slumped shoulders as he exited the loft. Jim's heart broke into a million pieces. He called Simon first and then he called everyone else in Major Crime because they would all help Blair get through this. Next he called his dad's lawyer and was told he would meet him there in an hour.

When Jim got there Agent Simms pulled him aside and said, "It doesn't look good, Ellison. I hope you got a decent lawyer for him."

"An attorney will be here in an hour. That's as soon as he could make it." Jim paced as he watched what was going on in the interrogation room.

One of the other agents decided to ask some questions. "Sandburg, my name is Agent Willis and Harper worked for us. We'd like to know why you felt the need to get rid of him."

Without batting an eye, he answered, "He wouldn't stop touching Jim."

Jim stood there in shock when he realized that Blair might have actually done it.

"Your partner said you were with him all night long. Are you saying he lied?" Willis asked.

"He didn't lie, Jim never lies. I took care of business before I came home. So I was with him all night after I did the deed." Blair looked through the two-way mirror and looked sadly at Jim. He mouthed out, "I'm sorry, Jim. I'll never be able to make this up to you."

Rafe, Conner, Joel and Brown stood next to him in shock. "No way. No way would Sandy do that. Something's going on." Conner started doing her imitation of the Sandburg pace.

"I totally agree with her." Joel looked at Jim to see how he was taking this.

"Jim, don't worry, we'll figure it all out." Brown touched Jim gently on the shoulder and had Jim pull away, walk over and sit down at his desk. God, how could he have done that? It's not possible. He got back up and asked Simms if he could talk to his partner.

"Sorry, Ellison, but he admitted to everything and said he doesn't want to see anyone." Willis started to walk away from him.

Jim grabbed him and said, "Please? I have to see him."

"Fine, stay here for a minute." Simms walked in and got Willis out and opened the door for Jim. The bullpen gang was still watching through the two-way mirror. "Chief..."

Blair jumped up and went into Jim's arms and held on for dear life. "I'm sorry, Jim. I'm sorry."

"Chief, I love you. I'd forgive you for anything." Jim kissed him deeply and Blair shivered. "Did you do this?"

"Yes. I told you he wasn't going to touch you again. And I don't want to see you at the prison," Blair said quietly.

"I can't go without seeing you, babe. You know that." Jim smiled down into the tear stained face.

"You don't have any choice, Jim. I already told them the price for my admission of guilt is that they keep you away from the prison," Blair explained as best as he could to the distressed man.

"Jesus, I can't do this, Chief." Jim pulled him in closer and just held on for dear life.

Blair moved away from him and said, "You don't have a choice, Jim. Always remember that I love you."

He walked to the doorway where Willis and Simms were standing, waiting for him.

When Jim came walking out of the room Simon was waiting. "Come on, Jim. I want to talk to you. Go sit down, I'll be there in a moment."

Jim walked silently to Simon's office in a daze. Simon turned to Conner and said, "Go to your house and pack a bag for at least a week. Everything you'll need. I want you to stay with Ellison. We can't have him biting a bullet."

"Yes, sir. I'll go get it done and get back." Conner started to leave the room and he grabbed her hand and slipped a key in it.

"Go right to his loft. He'll be home soon." Simon walked back into his office and saw a shocked and scared man. "Jim, why don't you go home and we'll talk tomorrow if you feel like it." Simon saw that Jim wasn't up to chatting about anything.

"Tell me there was a mistake, Simon. Tell me that Blair didn't do that."

"I can't because it would be a lie. They even have a witness. I'm sorry, Jim." Simon patted Jim on the back on the way to the door.

Jim walked out of the room. Everyone stood to the side and didn't try and bother him, except for Joel. "Jim, don't you find it odd that he admitted his guilt so quickly? I don't believe he did it."

"Well, I just asked Simon, who would know if something was wrong, and he said there was even a witness."

"I still don't believe it, Jim." Joel pulled Jim into a hug, but Jim pulled out of it.

"Sorry, Joel, I just want to go home. Thanks for everything." Jim calmly walked out of the station and Joel had a feeling they'd never see Jim Ellison again. A sadness came over the large man and he had to sit down.

"He'll be all right, Joel. We'll take care of him." Rafe tried to calm Joel down.

"You don't understand. He's never going to be all right again. Blair's his life. I can't believe this shit." Joel stormed off into Simon's office.

While the two men talked, there was a knock on Simon's door. Simon opened it for two feds. "What?"

"We needed to tell you that since this was an undercover assignment, and we don't want to blow it, we went before a judge with his admission of guilt and we're taking him to prison right now. It's Federal and the time is 12 to 20 years," Willis got it out as quickly as he could.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Ellison will need to see him before he goes to prison." Joel was standing very close to the man and yelling in his face.

"Sorry. We're leaving now. It's how Sandburg wanted it." Simms got up and left the room with Willis close behind.

***

Simon called the loft and heard, "Conner."

"Conner, I need Jim to know what's going on here at the station. So could you have him call me as soon as possible?" Simon was being way too nice.

"So tell me and I'll give him the message." Conner wasn't going to back down.

"The entire thing is over with. There was a witness, Blair admitted his guilt and it's a federal crime, so Blair left tonight after seeing a judge. They gave him 12 to 20 years." Simon knew she was going to be upset.

"I'll talk to him as soon as possible. Thanks for telling me, Captain." Conner hung the phone up with a heavy heart.

Jim arrived home and didn't really even remember driving there. He knew that he might be in trouble, but he didn't care. His reason for living was going away. He opened up the door to the loft and Conner was standing there in the kitchen, making dinner.

"Get the fuck out of my home. You weren't invited. I'll give you five seconds to get your ass out of that kitchen and out of my loft. NOW!"

Megan Conner just stood there looking at him, daring him to put a hand on her. She knew how to take care of herself, she just hoped she'd never have to use anything against one of her co-workers.

Jim raised the level of his voice and yelled again, "I said get out. Now."

She continued to cook and ignored his yelling. She looked over at him and saw one of the saddest men she'd ever seen in her life. "So, Jim, are you hungry yet?"

Jim opened his mouth and nothing came out. Instead, he turned and rushed up the staircase and Conner heard him sit on the bed. She walked slowly up the stairs hoping not to see anything she didn't want to.

Jim was lying on the bed in a fetal position. Conner moved up behind him, rubbed his back and talked soothingly. She filled him in on what Simon had said. She could feel his sobbing, but there was no noise. She thought this was just 'so' Jim Ellison. She talked to him and continued to rub his back until he was asleep. Once she was sure he was sleeping soundly, she took his gun out of his holster and she went down stairs.

The phone rang and she picked it up, saying, "Conner."

"How is he?" Simon wondered.

"As good as can be expected, sir. I think this is the worst thing that could ever happen to Jim. He knows what happens to people in prison. Now his love will be there. Jesus, Simon, I can't believe you let this go. We should have fought more." Conner was sitting on the floor by that time with big tears rolling down her face.

"Take good care of him, Conner."

"Like you have to tell me that, sir." Conner hung the phone up without even saying goodbye.

She put all the food away and got ready for bed herself. She then got Jim up and got him undressed and they went to bed together. Jim gladly went into her arms and was able to sleep.

Conner fell asleep saying, "Things will get better, Jim, I promise." And they did, slowly but surely. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy.

***

"New meat. Just what we love to see." A big ugly man reached for Sandburg. Blair's stomach turned at the thought of that man taking him. "You're going to get fucked, Sandburg."

"Get away from him; he's mine already," a loud voice boomed across the showers.

"We didn't see you take him, so he isn't yours until someone sees it," the ugly man continued.

"Come here. Don't fight me, or it will take longer." He started to loosen Blair up and then without so much as a warning, he thrust his cock into Blair's ass. He wasn't doing it savagely. He just wasn't Jim. Blair started to cry in earnest now. Under his breath the man fucking him could hear, "I'm so sorry, Jim. I know you'll never forgive me."

Day 6

Conner woke up and found Jim out of bed already. She walked downstairs and noticed his gun was out of his holster. "Oh fuck," she flew into the bathroom and Jim had the gun up under his chin.

"Ellison, give me that. Promise me you won't do this again."

"I can't do that, Conner," Jim said, head hanging.

"And who's going to take care of Sandy when he gets out? Are you just giving up on him? Don't you love him anymore?" Conner was pushing all of his buttons.

"I'll try, Conner. That's all I can do." Jim pulled her into his arms and they both held on for dear life. Jim wasn't even going to tell her that he was just about to pull that trigger when she opened up the door. If not for her, he would be dead.

Conner called and made an appointment for both of them with a therapist. She needed one just to know how to handle him. He needed help in the worst way, but mostly because she knew she would be lost without her mate. Good mates were hard to come by.

After making the phone call she called out, "Ellison?"

"What do you want, Conner? I don't want to talk about it any more today."

"We've got an appointment with a therapist before work, so get the lead out."

"I'm not going to any therapist," Jim bellowed.

"Fine. I'll tell Simon all about you trying to eat your gun and we'll go from there." Conner knew he would give in.

"Fine. Fuck! I can never win an argument. I never won with Sandburg and now I can't win with you," Jim growled as he began getting dressed.

"Damn straight, mate," Conner said, smiling.

"I'm not straight...." Jim laughed at the look on her face.

"Come on, let's get this over with," Jim said, holding the door for Conner.

Day 14

It was Sandburg's birthday. Jim didn't believe that things could get any worse. He was watching television with Conner, talking and trying to pretend that nothing mattered. But things did matter and he couldn't do it anymore. He got up and walked towards the bathroom and Conner asked, "Where you going, Jim?"

"Is it all right if I take a piss? Geeze," and he shut himself into the bathroom. He had hidden his spare gun in the bathroom cabinet, but when he opened it up, the gun was gone. He stormed out of the bathroom and said, "Where is it?"

"Jim, talk to me. What's wrong?" Conner was begging.

"I should be allowed to end my life if I want to. God, I can't do this, Conner. I can't fucking do it," Jim sobbed.

"Jim, what brought this on? Tell me, please?"

"It's his birthday. Did you know that?" Jim asked sadly.

"Oh god, come here, Jim. Let me hold you." She pulled him down to the couch and held him tight.

"Conner, this isn't going to work. I need to be alone. I want to be alone. I can't even jack-off because I know you'll come walking into the bathroom. I need privacy." Jim tried not to be cruel but he wanted to be alone.

"I'm not leaving you, Jim. You can hit me. You can hate me. You can yell at me, but I'm not leaving. I love you, mate, and I'm keeping you alive for Sandy." Then she started crying as she continued to hold him.

"Let's go to bed, come on." Jim led the way upstairs and they fell into a troubled sleep. But at least they had made it into another day.

Day 20

Each day at the station got a little easier for Jim, too. Things would never be the same, but they were easier. He missed Blair and vowed to see him if it killed both of them.

Jim went into Simon's office and said, "Simon, I need a week off. I'm going to go camping. And no, you don't need to send Conner with me. I'm getting sick of her, if you want to know the truth."

"The only way I'll let you go is if she goes with you." Simon was standing his ground.

"Fine, can we both have time off?"

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea. You'll come back rested and relaxed." Simon puffed on his cigar and smiled at Jim.

"Thanks, Simon. We'll leave tomorrow." Jim walked out of the office and went to find Conner.

"Heads up, Conner, we're on vacation," Jim said, smiling, as he walked by her desk.

"Excuse me? Does someone need to ask me if I want to go?"

Leaning in to whisper, Jim said, "I'm going to check on Blair."

"Well, why didn't you say so? Where are we going, Jim?" Conner grabbed some things and was on the lift as soon as Jim was.

"Tonight, we're going to a bar where I know some of the guards from the prison hang out. I contacted one of them and he said he'd talk to me then." Jim seemed excited to be able to find something out for a change.

"Good, I'm ready." Conner was more than ready to find out some details about Sandy.

"It's a fairly nice bar and has first-rate food, so I figured we could eat there."

"Sounds good to me, Ellison." Megan smiled at his enthusiasm.

Once they arrived, they sat in a booth and ordered dinner. Jim had a little bit of a buzz from the beer but didn't mind because he had asked Conner if she would drive home.

A man walked up to the table and said, "Mind if I join you, pretty lady?"

Jim smiled and said, "Conner, this is Miller. Miller, my new partner, Conner."

Conner slid over so the man could sit down. "Good to meet you, Miller. Are you watching out for our Sandburg?" Conner thought she would get right down to business.

"Well, I have to tell ya, I didn't think he'd make it very long. Him being a cop didn't help things, but he's got someone taking care of him, Ellison. So he's doing pretty well. He's huge, the guy, I mean. He fights them off really well and I do believe that Sandburg's becoming attached to him." Miller eyed Jim to see if this was good or bad news.

Jim tried to stay calm. "Are you sure he's taking care of him? Or maybe it just looks like it?"

"No, he's taking care of him. I walked in on them in the shower and he was being really gentle and your partner didn't seem to mind at all," Miller informed him of this not realizing that Jim and Blair were indeed partners. "That's why it's good for a change, Ellison. This guy is treating him really well. I just left them alone."

"Can you do me a favor?" Jim asked softly and sadly.

"Sure, Ellison. You know I owe you more than one." Miller sat and waited for the favor to be asked.

"I know I can't see Sandburg but could you fix it so that I see his caretaker? I need to see if he needs anything." Jim was still speaking so softly that Conner and Miller could hardly hear him.

"Yeah, I can do that, but not for two weeks since I'm on vacation. So we'll do it then. All right?"

"Okay, we'll be there in two weeks. Thanks again, Miller." Jim got up and made his way to the truck and he sat in the passenger side. Conner took the keys from Jim and drove home quickly. She kept looking over at Jim, but didn't see any changes that she could pinpoint. Ellison's walls were up.

Once they were in the loft, she closed and locked the door and Jim went down on his hands and knees and then started to sob. "Jesus, Conner. He's someone else's now. I knew it would happen but I prayed it wouldn't. What am I going to do?"

"We're going to wait the two weeks and then we're going to go and check him out. We'll ask if we can do anything for our Sandy and we'll pray that he keeps him safe for all of us," Jim looked up and saw that Conner was crying, too.

And this is exactly what they would do. They knew they had to just wait and see what would happen.

"We've got the week off, Jim. Let's go camping and try to forget our life," Conner suggested very quietly.

"I don't know how to break it to you, but this isn't your life," Jim spat out angrily.

"You're right. I'm sorry," Conner walked into the office and lay down on the futon.

"I'm sorry. Come on, we'll pack and go camping. We'll both try to forget that which is real life." Jim pulled Conner up and they began to pack for a much needed vacation.

Day 23

Jim lay in his sleeping bag, next to Conner's in the tent and just stared at her. He was indeed a lucky man. First, he had Blair, and now he had Conner, looking out for him. They could never be in love but she loved him in a special way. And Jim loved her right back. She was the only thing keeping him alive right now.

Conner woke feeling like someone was watching her and saw Jim staring at her. "You okay, Jim?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life." Jim smiled shyly at her.

"Mr. Ellison, I swear, what a wonderful compliment. What's going on?"

Jim looked around like mad and said, "Where's my father?"

They both laughed and then Jim seriously said, "I've never told you this, but I love you."

Moving closer to Jim she got into his arms and said, "I love you back. You're my best mate."

"Conner, this was a good idea. I feel more relaxed than I have in ages. Thanks for pushing me sometimes." Jim slid his arm under her neck and said, "wanna get some sleep now?"

For the next few days, they slept and fished and just had a good time telling stories. And Jim was right; it was a good idea. He needed that time away. Their poignant Blair stories were their favorite part of the excursion.

Day 30

"Do you have a report, Sandburg?" Simms asked.

"Yes, sir, it's all here. Can you get me out soon?" Sandburg whispered.

"As soon as I can," Simms whispered back.

"This place is killing me. I need to get out, sir," Blair demanded.

"Sandburg, you don't give me orders, I give you orders. You'll get out as soon as we can get you out." Simms walked away and Blair hoped it would be soon.

He went quietly back to his bunk, which he was supposed to be in already, and crawled in with the man on the bottom and cried. He had been strong this entire time, but now that he was getting close, he was getting scared. The large man held him and whispered sweet things to him. Blair once again talked about Jim and noiselessly cried some more.

Day 35

Jim and Conner took the day off. Simon didn't even ask anymore. He figured if she could just keep Jim going they would be all right.

The drive up to the prison was quiet. Both of them were very nervous. Jim met his contact there and he got them into the visitation room. Jim would have to talk to him through the glass and a telephone but it was better than nothing. Jim needed to see that this person was taking care of his lover. Not anymore, Ellison. Conner stayed in the waiting room for Jim to return with news.

Prisoner number 5291 was called to the visitor's room and he walked up there confused. He had no one to visit him, but maybe it would be something good. Who was he to bitch?

Miller walked up to Ellison and said, "Kellen is on his way out. He's a nice guy. He's good to Sandburg."

The door opened and 5291 walked up to the window and his mouth fell open. So did Jim's. Then he lifted his finger to his lips as in don't say a word. He sat down and picked up the telephone.

"What can I do ya for?" the prisoner asked smugly.

"Jesus Christ... Oh fuck..." Jim couldn't seem to form a sentence.

"Hey, jerk! You're the one that wanted to see me. So either talk or I'll leave." The prisoner was getting agitated.

"What can I call you?"

"Kellen, that's my name."

"So, Kellen, I hear you're taking care of Sandburg?"

"You hear right. He's dandy. He's very sweet in the sack, too, not to mention how nice he is on the eyes." Kellen loved putting on a show for the guards.

Jim couldn't help it, a single tear fell down his face.

"Cop, no need to cry, he's fine. I love fucking his ass. I love everything about his ass. Now speaking of that, I have to go and watch my property." Kellen walked away from the glass and looked back and winked at Jim.

Jim got up and almost flew out of the room. He grabbed Conner and they got to the truck in record time.

"What? What's happening? Something's up; tell me." Conner wouldn't let him start the truck without telling her.

"Conner, his bunkmate, and so called guardian, is none other than Harper." Jim watched the look on Conner's face and finally she broke into a huge grin and said, "Holy shit, they're a plant. They must be undercover?"

"I would say, Blair, Harper and maybe Meyers are all undercover." Jim hugged Megan and just hung on for a while.

"Why this long, Jim? Did Simon know about this?"

"That's who we'll visit next. I want to fucking kill him but then we'd be separated again. Can't have that. God, I can't believe this." Jim started the truck for the drive home.

They went to the loft and decided they'd wait till the morning. Maybe by then one of them would think of what to say to Simon that didn't include 'fucking prick'.

***

"Jim, you do realize who the man is that made love to him, right?"

"Yeah, I know it was Harper. He probably saved him from being gang banged, so I should be grateful," Jim said softly, as he sat on the couch.

"But are you?"

"What? Am I what?"

"Are you grateful that Sandy was taken by someone you know and call a friend?"

"No..." Jim wiped a tear as it slid down his face.

"Talk to me. I'm here for you." Conner sat next to him and slid her arms around him.

"I can't stand the thought that he fucked Blair. What can I say? I don't like sharing. And now each time I see Harper I'll know that he had his dick in Blair." Jim lost it then and started to sob.

"Hell! I think we're all going to need therapy after this, Jim, so things will get better. Please don't be mad at Sandy," Conner pleaded.

"I'm not mad at Blair. I'm so grateful to have him coming home, I don't care about anything. I love him to death." Jim then got up from the couch and said, "wanna sleep with me. I could use a friend."

Conner did sleep with Jim again, thinking he would need it. She was right. He had small nightmares all night long.

In the morning, they both decided to wait for two days, to talk to Simon. Just in case Blair was out of there by then. They could dream.

Day 36

Meyers came and got Sandburg and Harper and took them to the infirmary. There all of their clothing was waiting and they were briefed on what happened with the information they had given them, and who was going down. It had been a good bust. They took care of two guards, six cons and the warden. The three men walked out the front door and a car was waiting for them.

Blair could feel the happiness starting to seep back into his body. Now if Jim ever forgave him for this, he would have it made.

The three men remained silent until they pulled up to a motel near the prison. "What are you doing? We're supposed to go home," Blair reminded Simms.

"Willis is meeting us here; he needs to debrief you all some more. You'll be home in a couple of days. No contact until then. Understood?" Simms ordered.

"Yes, sir," all three of the men said.

When they got there, they put the three men in the same room and told them to make no calls or leave the room.

"What's up with this shit?" Blair asked Harper.

"Hell, if I know, but they probably have the room wired, so let's just do what they want." Harper laid back on the bed happy to be able to just look at his love.

"Knock it off, damn you!" Meyers voice dripped venom as he spoke.

"I can sit in the bathroom if you want privacy," Blair offered.

"No need, Sandburg. What's up, Mey?" Harper stood up next to him and Meyers punched him right in the stomach.

"I'm not discussing this with the feds listening. We'll wait till we're home." Meyers looked over at Harper and both men knew he was thinking about it.

Blair looked over at his friend and realized this was going to take forever. Blair knew this was his fault.

"Okay, I changed my mind. I want to discuss it now. I want to know why you fucked him like that," Meyers stated coldly.

"Like what?" Harper asked as he looked over at Sandburg, who was going into a fetal position.

"Like he was the most wonderful thing in the world. You've never fucked me that gently." Mey had tears in his eyes.

"Okay, first off, this is a size thing. Mey, you're 6' 2" and I don't really worry about hurting you but Sandburg is 5' 7" and I felt like I would break him." Harper looked at Meyers to see if he was paying attention.

"Bullshit, Harp. You could be rough with him if you wanted to. I think you don't love me. Did you go and fall in love with Sandburg while you were in there? How many times did you fuck him?"

"Mey, I love you. I always have. So don't accuse me of not loving you. And no I didn't fall in love with Sandburg. Hell! He's so into Ellison, there'd be no room for me. I love you, babe, and if I never showed you gentle, then I'll change my ways, okay?" Harper got up and pulled Meyers into his arms.

"Did you fuck him every night, Harp?" Mey asked with tears rolling down his face.

"No. We did it once to show the guys he was mine. That was all. We've never done it since." Harper held on to his lover gently to see how Mey liked the gentle part.

"I'm sorry, Mey," Sandburg said so quietly that Meyers almost didn't here him.

Meyers got on the bed next to Blair and held him and said, "I'm sorry for all of this. I was jealous. I'm an ass."

"I'll have to deal with the same things when I see Jim. Jim might not even want me any more." Blair was so sad that Harper joined them on the bed.

"Hey, I wasn't going to say anything, but he saw me yesterday," Harper said with a smile on his face.

"Jim was at the prison?"

"Yeah, someone told him you were a kept man and he wanted to see who I was and see if there was anything he could do. Imagine his surprise when he saw me walk out there." Harper tried not to laugh.

"See, Sandburg, he didn't want to just forget about you," Meyers said hugging him and getting up.

"Man, I can't believe this. He came to the prison. He does love me," Blair just beamed.

Meyer and Harper both said, "Duh."

"Mey, are you okay about things now?" Harper asked quickly.

"No, but I will be. Give me some time. I'm not mad. I'm just hurt. See, Sandburg got it first. I've never had it and I'll be second," Meyers tried to explain to his love.

"I wasn't making love to him, Mey. I was fucking him." Harper tried to pull him into his arms.

"Well, you've never fucked me like that." Mey watched Harper's face for his reaction.

"You're right, I never have. But that's because I get real into it with you. I love you, Mey. Fucking you is one of the best things in my life. I can't stand the thought of being without you," Harper crushed the man to his chest.

Meyer brought his arms around Harper and held on like there was no tomorrow. "I love you too, Harp. I adore you."

Sandburg had wandered into the bathroom and couldn't help thinking about this entire thing happening to he and Jim soon. Blair found himself getting nervous about that.

"So you think you'll forgive me?" Harper leaned down to Meyers face and kissed him.

"Yeah, you're forgiven, but don't expect me to be happy when Jim Ellison tries to kick your ass."

"So true." Harper knew that he was going to have to let Ellison do it to make him feel better about himself.

Day 37

"Simon, you have a minute?" Jim stood in the doorway waiting for an answer.

"I've always got time for you. What's up?"

"Guess who I saw two days ago?" Jim just sat back and waited to see if Simon squirmed.

"Who?" Simon looked and acted like he really didn't know.

"Harper. And fuck if he isn't alive. Isn't that the balls?" Jim could do sarcasm with the best of them.

Simon stood up and said, "Jim, I couldn't say a word. It was top secret. I wanted to tell you. I thought you should have been told but those fucking feds suck."

"Simon, I was thinking about killing myself. What would you have done then?"

"Why do you think Conner's been by your side since day one? I couldn't take that chance. I knew she would mother you to death. I was right." Simon was waiting to see if Jim was going to punch him out.

"Did it ever occur to you that I needed to know? Fuck rules! I was very hurt by this, Simon, and I don't know if I want to work here anymore." Jim stood by the door ready to leave.

"I can tell you where he is right now, Jim. I talked to him last night and he misses you a lot." Simon was handing him a peace offering.

"Where is he?"

"Still being debriefed at the motel right next to the prison. Maybe they'll let you pick him up." Simon pushed Jim out of his office.

"This doesn't make us close to being even, Simon." Jim walked through the bullpen with a large smile on his face. He might be pissed off at Simon but he was on his way to see Sandburg.

Conner said, "Partner, I'll meet you in the garage. I'll just be a few minutes."

"Okay. Hurry it up, I'm a man on a mission." Jim laughed all the way to the stairs.

Conner knocked on Simon's door and walked in.

"What can I do for you, Conner?"

"You're a bastard, Captain, and I'll never forgive you. What if he would have died on my shift? He tried to eat his gun a few times. I would have died along with him but you were only worried about the Feds. You're an asshole and I'll never have respect for you again."

She turned and walked out of his office but then she turned back around and walked back in. Simon was in front of the door and asked, "Ready to apologize already, Conner?"

She drew her arm back and punched him as hard as she could. Joel came running and said, "Conner, what are you doing?"

"It's all right, Joel. I said something crappy to her. Get out of here, Conner, before I throw you in a cell." Simon slammed his door and sat down. God, she hits hard for a woman. Hell! She hits hard for a guy.

***

Jim and Conner drove as quickly as they could to the motel by the prison "Conner, do we have to do everything together? I mean, the scary part is over now."

"Simon told me I have to be with you at all times. You're stuck with me, big fella." Conner slugged him as she laughed.

Jim glanced over at his partner and saw she was rubbing her hand and knuckles. Then he saw the bruising that was starting to show. "All right, Conner. Who did you have a fight with? I can see the bruised knuckles."

"It's none of your business, Ellison. It was personal."

Jim pulled over to the side of the road, looked at her and said, "Please tell me you didn't hit Simon?"

"Okay."

"Okay, what?" Jim asked.

"Okay, I won't tell you." Conner continued to stare out the window.

"Conner, what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't. I was pissed off, Jim. You almost ate your gun more than once and what if I would have missed that? I would have fucking died. I kid you not, I would have just died, rather than tell Sandy that I fell down on the job. So the asshole put us all under pressure just because the Feds said so. I don't buy that. He breaks rules when he wants to, why not this time?"

Jim gave her a hug and said, "So are you suspended?"

"No, he's guilty. He let me get back to work, but everyone in the office is shocked. You should have seen Joel's face, Jim." Conner was beaming.

"Well, knock it off, Conner. I can take care of myself."

"I know that. I wasn't saying you couldn't. I was taking care of myself." Conner pushed him over to the steering wheel and said, "Come on, I want to see Sandy."

Once in the parking lot, the Feds were all over them. "Hold it, Ellison and Conner," Simms said.

"What? I've got every right to see him," Jim said, trying to get to the door.

"There's been some complications with the case and we need all three of them to stay here until we get it taken care of." Willis decided to give Ellison some information, "It might take another couple of days."

"At least let me say hello to him," Jim pleaded.

"Sorry, Ellison, you can't see any of them," Simms stated as he opened Jim's truck door.

"Chief, I'll be waiting for you when you're done," Jim screamed as loud as he could.

Jim saw the drapes opening a small bit and he could see Blair's eyes watching him.

"I'll see you soon, big man," Blair whispered from the room.

Smiling, Jim and Conner got into the truck and drove back to Cascade.

Willis and Simms knocked on the door to the motel and walked in to find the three men playing cards.

"You seem to be making the most of things. I'm glad of that," Simms said as he sat down on a chair.

"Well, we got the cards from one of the guys outside and it at least gives us something to do," Harper said defensively.

"Hey Simms, how did you finally decide on Sandburg and Harper as a team?" Meyer wondered aloud.

"That was easy. Sandburg is nice on the eyes and Harper's big enough to fight off quite a few men. We couldn't send Ellison because everyone knows him. So that's how we came up with it. And Meyers, your name was given to us by the Vice Captain at your precinct. He said you were easy to work with." Simms smiled as he said all of this.

"So that's why I was chosen? Because I'm easy on the damn eyes?" Blair asked, irritation in his voice.

"At least you weren't chosen because you're really tall and big and could fight off a number of men at a time," Harper said sarcastically.

"All right, back to business," Simms said.

"Lets get some of these questions out of the way," Willis sat down and got his tape recorder out. Turning it on he said, "So, Meyers, when did you first notice there was something going on with the two guards in question and Warden Christopher?"

"I noticed it the first week. They spent a lot of time in Warden Christopher's office but then I noticed they went in without anything and left with packages that they took back to the floors. I followed them and found out it was drugs. They were selling them to the prisoners. This was Jackson and Mills, in case you're wondering which guards I'm talking about. Then I got word to Sandburg and Harper to buy some and let me know what it was. They did as I suggested and it was heroin. This continued on for the following month until you pulled us out. Any questions?" Meyers rattled this all off quickly hoping they could get it over with.

"Good job, Meyers. This is almost over with," Willis said, smiling for a change.

"Now, on to Sandburg," Simms started. "We've had a report that you were attacked while in there. Do you need to file a report?"

"No, sir. I'm fine." Sandburg kept his head down and just waited for the ugly questions.

"Okay, if you're fine, we're fine. I just don't want anything coming back on us and biting us in the ass," Simms said.

"What if something did happen because he was going to get gang banged? What if I hadn't stepped in and took the place of the fucking pricks that wanted to hurt him? Would that come back to haunt us in court?" Harper wasn't the only one worried about this right now.

"No, that won't come back. Everything is looking good, guys. I'll take you home in a few hours. No contact until then. Thank you all for the hard work." Willis walked out the door, followed by Simms. Both men looked very happy about the bust.

***

"Jim, once we get back to town, let's go to dinner and go dancing," Conner suggested. "It'll be a nice way to kill some time before Sandy comes home, right?"

"Okay, you're on. We have reason to celebrate." Jim smiled.

So they went dancing and called Henry, Rafe and Joel to meet them. Conner called Simon and told him to come but knew he wouldn't. They all sat around the table talking about the undercover assignment.

"Jim, didn't I tell you from the start that I'd never have believed it?" Joel asked beaming.

"Yup. You sure did and you were right on the money, Joel." Jim pounded him on the back, happily.

Jim held his beer up and said, "I want to make a toast." Everyone picked their drinks up to meet Jim's as he made the toast, "this is for Conner. If it wasn't for her being with me this whole time, I'd be dead. I would have been dead the first day. Thank you, Conner." Jim leaned over and kissed her.

"Hear, hear!" everyone said as they clinked their glasses together.

"Wow! I was expecting something sweet about Sandy. What a surprise, so now let me make a toast. To everyone in the bullpen that made my life bearable when I was so depressed about Sandy. That includes you, too, Jim."

"Hear, hear!" They all touched their glasses again.

"I'd like to make a toast to Jim Ellison for not punching my lights out when he found out about all of this," Simon said as he sat down at the table.

"Hear, hear!" Again, everyone's glasses met.

"Simon, I wanted too really bad but Conner talked me out of it." Jim wasn't teasing and they all knew it.

"Actually, sir, it was he that tried to talk me out of punching your lights out. Although, there was just cause and I'm glad I did it now." Conner glared at her boss and Simon knew it was going to be a long time before she forgave him.

"Well, maybe it would help if I told you I brought gifts. Can I buy your affection, Conner and Ellison?" Simon smiled.

"What did you bring?" Conner asked hopefully.

"They were all too big to wrap, so they just had to come in clothes." Simon pointed to the doorway and the first one through the door was Meyers. Everyone got up and gave him hugs and told him how glad they were to see him.

Next, Harper came through the door and he was also hugged and told how much he was missed. Well, except by Jim. Jim glared at him. Harper leaned into Jim and said, "We'll talk later, all right?"

"You know we will, you fucker," Jim said only loud enough for Harper to hear. Except that Conner heard and kicked Jim to get him back on track.

"This is about Sandy, Jim. Straighten up," Conner whispered.

Finally, Sandburg came walking through the door looking for only one person. He ran and jumped, putting his legs around Jim's waist. As they hugged and kissed, everyone else hugged them at the same time.

A song was being played and it was perfect for Jim and Blair both, so Jim took Blair's hand and pulled him onto the dance floor. As they danced Jim sang the song to him. Because, after all, "You Belong To Me", screamed theme song for Jim.

Everyone watched them dancing and they looked over and saw Conner crying. Joel pulled her into his arms and said, "This is a good thing, Conner."

"I know, they're just so beautiful together, it makes me cry." Conner looked over at Harper and said, "You could ask your man to dance you know."

"I don't feel like dancing," Harper whined.

"It's all right, Harp. I understand," Meyers added quietly.

"Oh, fuck it! Would you like to dance, Mey?"

"Hell, yes!" Meyers took Harper's hand and joined him on the dance floor. Harper was thankful that the next five songs were slow dances. It's hard to be graceful while dancing fast when you're 6' 8" tall.

At the end of the evening, Simon had to finally go and tell Jim and Blair to go home. He realized that Conner was right. They were just so romantic you forgot where you were.

The drive home was quiet and Blair knew why. "Jim, want to ask me questions?"

"No, not now." Jim pulled into the slot and they walked up the stairs to their home.

Once they were in the loft, Blair asked, "Jim, did you ever have to do something while undercover that you regretted but knew you had to?"

"Yeah, I guess. Is that what you're going to tell me about? Your regrets?"

"No! I just needed to know if you ever regretted anything. I take it someone told you he fucked me. Jim, four men were going to take me if he didn't. He wouldn't let them have me, so he fucked me. He was gentle and kind, not like the others would have been," Blair explained as calmly as he could.

Jim had tears rolling down his face and pulled Blair into his arms. "I'm so pissed off at him for taking what's mine, but at the same time, I'm thrilled that he saved you from those fucking monsters."

"Jim, you can't blame him. Please? He saved my life." Blair pleaded now.

"I'll call him later and tell him I'm sorry." Jim took Blair's hand and started up the stairs. Over my dead body. He took what belonged to me. Fuck him!

Once there, Jim started to slowly disrobe the young man. Jim had forgotten how sexy his man could be. Blair's stomach had a little dip in it that made Jim's mouth drool. How could I have forgotten that? He looked up and saw the dimple in his chin and realized he had forgotten how fucking sweet it was. He next noticed the little scar on Blair's neck that always made him want to kiss it and make it better. Jesus, he had forgotten everything. Jim pulled Blair into his arms and just shook.

"Jim, what's wrong? Are you mad at me?"

"No, babe, not mad at you. I'm angry at me because I forgot."

"You forgot what, Jim?"

"I forgot you. I mean, I remembered what your face was like but I forgot your body. God, I can't believe I did that." Jim continued to shake.

"Jim, how about we undress and sleep for awhile? I could do with some rest," Blair offered.

They both finished undressing and slid under the covers. Jim pulled Blair into his arms and they were both asleep in moments.

"Harp... Please... " Blair moaned in a whisper.

Jim looked at Blair in shock and disbelief. He got out of bed and got dressed. He walked downstairs and knocked on Harper's loft door. It worked out well, now and then, that they lived in the same building.

After three loud knocks, Meyers answered the door. Jim pushed his way in and asked, "Where is he?"

"I'm not going to tell you where he is, Jim. You're not going after my lover. He did what he had to do undercover. Now go home," Meyers said patiently.

"I need to talk to him. Now either go get him or I'll go looking for him," Jim growled at Meyers.

"We all have to get over this shit, Jim. You're not the only one hurting. God, I hate that he slept with another man. I fucking hate it. But he was doing the shitty job and I have to get past it. Promise me you won't hurt Harp?" Meyers looked worriedly at Jim.

With tears, still running down his face, he said, "He's asking for Harp. And it's not in a help me type of tone. It's a needy tone."

"Jim, sit down and we'll talk," Harper said as he descended the loft stairs.

"What's there to talk about? Just go upstairs and make him happy," Jim spat out.

"Get a grip, Jim. Okay, did he say, 'Harp, please'?"

"That's exactly what he said." Jim looked at Harper taken aback.

"Okay, this is what we had to do. The first night he woke me up calling your name. That was not good. We practiced after that so he never called out your name again. Now you need to give him time to get the hang of being able to say Jim again." Harper helped Jim to the door but Jim was having none of it.

"Are we going to be able to work together after all of this?" Jim asked. "I'm having some trouble with this. Sandburg will be fine, but I think I might dislike you."

"It's going to be fine, Jim. Stop worrying. And by the way while I fucked him he was crying softly for you. Does it help that it made me feel like fucking shit?" Harper looked on the verge of tears himself.

Jim went into his arms and said, "I'm sorry, Harp. I thank you for taking care of him. I'm a jealous, single minded son-of-a-bitch." Jim held on tight.

"I'm going upstairs, Kelly. I'll see you up there. Night, Jim," Meyers said as he went up to bed.

"No, Meyers, stay here. Tell Harper how you feel," Jim said quietly into Harper's chest.

"What's he talking about, Mey?"

"I'm angry at you. You already know that. You fucked him like you've never fucked me and I want to yell and scream about it. No, I don't like you right now and I'm not certain I can do this relationship thing right now." Meyers then walked up the stairs, head hanging down.

"Go home, Jim, and hold him and remind him of who he's with. Promise me? You and I can talk over these problems in the next day or two but let's not lose our friendship over this. Promise me we'll stay friends?"

"I think the one you better worry about is Meyers. Go and take care of him, Harp." Jim walked to the door and allowed Harper to push him out.

Jim waited outside their door to listen and see how things were going. He had to know that they'd be all right, even if he wasn't sure about he and Sandburg.

Harper walked up the stairs hoping he wouldn't see his lover packing, but he was. He was packing his fucking bags. "You're going to leave me over this, Mey?"

"Harp, I can't do it any more. You don't love me like other people love their wives or husbands. I long for those things. I'm sorry but I have to look for someone that can really love me." Meyers continued to pack as he looked over at Harper's sad face.

"What would it take for me to prove to you that I love you?" Harp was desperate now.

"See? Harp, this is what I'm talking about. If you loved me and wanted to prove it, you wouldn't be asking me how, you'd do it." Mey still had hope for him to come through.

"I tell you that I love you all the time. I do love you, babe. You're my life and when we're dancing I feel like we were born to dance together. Have I mentioned how much I love to dance with you? I hate to do it in public because people stare at us like we shouldn't be doing this and enjoying it." Harper was talking as he got closer to Meyer and he was crying now. He wasn't just shedding tears, he was crying. "Please don't leave me. God, I love you so much. Please? I need you so much, I don't know if I can make it without you."

Meyers went into his arms and said, "All right, that's more like it. How about you showing me how much you love me by making love to me. It's only us, Harp. You and me from now on." Meyers moved towards to bed to begin getting undressed.

Outside Harper's apartment, Jim knew that it was time to move upstairs. With a smile on his face, he climbed the stairs and hoped that he and Blair could work things out.

When he walked into the loft, he saw Blair sitting on the stairs.

Jim knelt down in front of him and said, "Hey, babe. I couldn't sleep but I'm getting tired now. Wanna try again?"

"Jim, I'm not stupid. I know you went downstairs and had words with Harper. Are you happy now? Did you hit him and did it make you feel better?"

"Nah, I never hit him, Sandburg. We had a good talk and I cried on his shoulder. You called out for him and I freaked out. He told me how you both had to practice saying the other's name at night so it wouldn't happen again. God, I'm sorry." Jim pulled him into his arms and they sat there together.

"Why didn't you wake me up and tell me who I was with?"

"Because I'm an idiot. Now let's go upstairs and get some rest." Jim picked Blair up and put him over his shoulder and walked up the stairs.

"Jim, what are you doing?"

"I'm reminding you who you are with." He threw Blair down on the bed and he stripped out of his own clothes as quickly as he could. Blair watched with big eyes as he had forgotten what Jim looked like, too. It wasn't just Jim forgetting. Jim stood naked in front of the bed and Blair slid his boxers off and Jim saw that Blair was already excited about being together.

"I want you to fuck me," Jim whispered.

Blair flipped Jim onto his belly and kissed his way down Jim's back until he came to his waist. "Jim, you even have a sexy waist." Blair heard Jim laugh and this made things even more fun. Blair said, "Hey, man, do you have any flavored lube?"

"Yeah. It's in the same place it's always been, Chief," Jim answered with a knowing smile.

Blair leaned over and got the drawer open and took out all of the different flavors of lube and decided on his favorite one.

In that same drawer, he saw numerous things that belonged to Conner. 'Why were they in the drawer in their room?' Blair was going to have to talk to Jim about this when the time came. Now wasn't that time.

Jim looked over his shoulder at what Blair had and moaned. This was going to be a long night, thank god.

It had been so long since anyone had touched him that Jim was shaking. "Calm down, Jim. We have all night long. I know you want it bad but we're taking our time," Blair whispered into Jim's sensitive back causing goose bumps to appear. Blair smiled and sighed. I still got it.

Blair wanted to make this like their first time. Getting between Jim's legs, he began his work and he was a damn good worker. By the time he got to Jim's ass, the larger man was putty in his hands. Smiling again, he pulled Jim's cheeks apart and dove in for the first taste in a long, long time. Jim came off the bed and almost knocked Blair right off of him. Blair pulled away from him and said, "Calm down, Jim. Do you want this?"

"Yeah, I want it bad," Jim panted.

"Then don't knock me off the bed," Blair said, laughing, as he went back to eating Jim's ass and having a damn fine time doing it. There was no talking, just Jim moaning and every now and then, begging for Blair to fuck him. Blair pulled Jim up so that his cock was hanging down where he could get it while he sucked and licked his ass. Jim put his head on his arms and groaned knowing that Blair was going to make him suffer.

Jim could hardly stand it when Blair reached under him, took his cock in hand and started stroking it softly. The entire time he kept tongue fucking him and Jim couldn't hold on anymore. "Sandburg..." The large man was coming all over the bed and Blair's hands.

Blair loved when Jim's ass gripped his tongue. That was a very big turn on. Now he was ready to fuck Jim. He was nervous at first, but he was over that now. God, he loved this man. He took the lube and started to loosen him up for the fucking of his life. Once he had three fingers in there and Jim was begging; he figured it was time to move on.

He flipped Jim over and Jim said, "Sandburg, I'm lying in the wet spot."

"Do you want this or not?"

"What wet spot?" Jim helped Blair get the angle right and Blair slid in. "Oh god, this is beautiful. I missed you so much. Baby, I missed you fucking me. I missed you loving me."

"I missed it, too, Jim. I love you so much and your ass is all I thought about. Okay, well not all I thought about. Now I know why. You feel so fucking good. I promise to never leave you again." Blair kept the chant up while he pounded into Jim.

Jim was hard once again and fisting his own cock so he could come with Blair. "Come on, Sandburg, give it to me!" Jim came shouting this and Blair followed him soon after.

Blair lay on top of Jim and just looked at him. "I had forgotten how beautiful you were." Blair smiled as he said it making Jim blush.

"Beautiful? I don't think anyone has ever said that to me, babe." Jim smiled and kissed him softly.

"Well, I'm saying it now. You're beautiful. You have wonderful skin and you have crinkles around your eyes when you smile that make me smile. You have a perfect nose and your eyes are to die for. So basically, you're gorgeous." Blair's cock had slipped out of Jim and he pulled himself up closer to Jim.

"I didn't want it to end." Jim stated quietly.

"We have our whole lives, Jim. I love you." Blair kissed him and got up to get some wet cloths to clean them off.

Day45

"Mey? You awake?"

"I am now," Meyers answered.

"I need to talk to you and it's important." Harper pulled Meyers close to him and waited for his answer.

"So talk."

"Remember how you said it'll never be the same because you would always be second with my gentle love making?"

"How could I forget?" Meyers was trying to move away but Harper wasn't letting him.

"Okay, let's see if your memory goes back this far. Remember when I stayed with Jim and Blair?"

"Of course I do. Why?"

"Mey, do you remember the night that Jim and I were on an undercover assignment?"

"Harp, why are you asking me this shit? Yeah, I remember, so what?"

"Well, that night I made love to you like I'd never done before. I was gentle and passionate. I had forgotten about it. It was the first time I told you I loved you."

"Harp, I forgot, too. God, I'm so glad you remembered. It was beautiful that night. I won't be second. I was your first."

"That's right, Mey. You'll always be my first." Harper pulled him in close and they started kissing. Harper was going to show him gentle again. Meyers would never forget this night.

***

The phone rang in the morning and Jim answered, beings he was already up, "Ellison."

"Ellison, I have a wonderful idea." an excited Conner said.

"And what is it?"

"We're going to have a party at the loft for Blair's birthday. He'll be so happy about it." She waited excitedly for Jim's answer.

"I guess that would be all right," Jim finally said.

"So tell me, Ellison, did you fuck his brains out last night?" Conner giggled as soon as she said it.

"Fuck you, Conner. It's no one's business."

"Jim, you didn't? What's going on, I know you have to want him?"

"Conner, first of all it's none of your business. Next, maybe I was the one fucked," Jim said quietly.

"Oh okay, well that's good, too. You can do him next." Conner was still giggling.

"Whatever." Jim tried to change the subject, "So when should we make plans for this party?"

Conner didn't like the sound of that response. "Tell Blair you have to do something at work and come by to make the plans."

"Okay. I'll be over in a few minutes." Jim hung the phone up without even saying goodbye.

"Sandburg? Wake up. I'm leaving and I didn't want you to worry." Jim started to get dressed.

"Well, give me a minute and I'll go with ya." Blair started to get up and Jim stopped him. "I'm going to talk to Conner. She said it was private."

"Oh sure. Okay. Well, I'll be here when you get back." Blair got back under the covers and as soon as he heard the door slam, he started shaking. He didn't know what was going on with Jim, but he could see the changes in both of them. It was scaring the shit out of him. "Oh shit! He's going to fucking leave me. He doesn't love me any more." Blair was up and running for the shower.

"And what's going on with Jim and Conner?" Blair said aloud in the shower. "I can't believe she would fuck my man."

He had to do something and that wasn't lying in bed feeling sorry for himself. He got his running shorts on and tied his hair back and took off out the door.

As he came down the stairs he ran into Meyers. "Want to run together?"

"Sure." Blair answered with a smile. No sense in taking my fucking bad day out on Meyers.

"Where's Jim? Doesn't he usually run with you?"

"Yeah, but he had to go over to Conner's. Something needed to be discussed she said." Blair said it so casually that Meyers almost bought it.

"He doesn't have a thing for her, Blair. Don't worry, okay?"

"Okay. I'll take your word for it since I really need that right now." Even if I think you're wrong.

They began their run and there was no more talking. They ran for about four miles and then had a cool down period. They both ended up on a bench in the park and Meyers said, "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure. We're friends, that's what friends are for."

"Remember how mad I was at you and Harp because he was so gentle with you? And I told him that I would never be first, I'd always be second?"

"Yeah, I remember." Blair wouldn't look at Meyers.

"Well, Harp remembered the night that he and Jim were undercover at the gay bar. He didn't fuck me that night. He made love to me. It was the first time he told me he loved me and he was so fucking gentle it wasn't even funny. So I had it all along and was too busy putting the blame on you. I'm sorry. But I have to tell you, he made love to me like that again last night and it was wonderful."

"I'm so glad that things are working out for the two of you. Jim and I are having a few setbacks but I have hope that we'll work them out and get back to normal." Blair stood up ready to head back.

"Blair? Please feel free to call on us anytime you need someone to talk to." Meyers threw his arm across Blair's shoulders.

"Thanks, Meyers. You have no idea how much this means to me." Blair walked slowly back to the loft. He wasn't in any hurry to get there. Jim wasn't there. He wasn't due in to work for two days, so what in the hell would he do?

"Hey, we're going to a museum today, wanna go with us," Meyers called up the stairs, as Blair was heading up to the loft.

"Nah, I better not. I don't want to upset Jim."

He had no sooner sat down to take his running shoes off when the door opened up. He jumped up and saw Harper and Meyers standing there.

"What the fuck did that mean? You don't want to upset Jim." Harper was pissed.

"He's not over all of this, Harper. He's having a hard time. I have to give him some space and we'll work it out," Blair tried to explain, but knew they wouldn't understand.

"Blair, come with us. It'll be fun and tough shit if he doesn't like it," Meyers smiled as he pushed Blair towards the shower, "you know you want to."

"Okay, you talked me into it. I'll be down in a few." He pushed them out the door and smiled the entire time he was in the shower.

When he walked out of the bathroom, Jim was standing there. "Oh hey, man. You scared me. When did you get back?"

"I just walked in the door. I heard you singing. You're happy about something?" Jim narrowed his eyes.

"Hell! Jim, I'm happy about a lot of things." Blair walked up the stairs and tried to get dressed.

Jim followed him up and took the naked man into his arms and began to kiss him.

"Hey, hot shot, what brought this on?" Blair smiled at the thought of Jim fucking him.

"Just saw you naked and wanted to kiss you. Got a problem with that?"

Blair looked at Jim and realized he was serious. "No, no problem at all." Blair pulled the covers back and slid into bed.

Jim got undressed and joined him. He pulled Blair over on top of him and they were getting busy thrusting their cocks together when Blair asked, "Will you fuck me, Jim?"

"Why do you do that?" Jim snapped.

"Do what?"

"You always have to be in control of what we're doing. I was having one hellava good time before you said that. You have problems with my technique?" Jim's cock was completely deflated now. Blair was honestly almost scared of him.

"No, man. You know that's not it. I just wanted to feel you inside of me." Blair moved over to him and held on tight. "I'm sorry."

"Fine, but from now on, let me do things my way. Understood?" Jim moved back to see if Blair did.

"Jim, don't tell me what to do. You're being an asshole. I said I was sorry but you can't tell me what I can say and do in our bedroom." Blair was up and started to get dressed now.

"Then I think you should move back downstairs until we come to terms with this. When you think you can accept me on my terms you can move back up here." Jim slid out of bed and Blair watched his lover get dressed.

Blair went to the closet and pulled a duffle bag out. He drug it over to the dresser and began to pack it with his things. Jim watched him and realized he was taking everything.

"Sandburg, you can leave your clothes up here. You can come and get them as you need them."

"No, thanks. I'm moving out. I can't stay here anymore. Jim, I was hoping it would work but it can't." Blair was crying as he talked.

"Sandburg, you're making a big deal out of this. Just put your things back in the dresser."

"You don't love me anymore, do you?" Blair asked, still crying.

"Stop crying. I hate when you cry. Didn't anyone ever tell you that it doesn't help and it makes you look unmanly?"

"Well, tough shit. I'm not much of a man anyhow." Blair picked the duffle up and started down the stairs. He was still sobbing softly but Jim could hear him.

"Sandburg, wait...." Jim came down the stairs and stood in front of Blair.

"What?"

"Call me and let me know where you are." Jim stared at the floor and never lifted his eyes.

"Fuck you, Ellison. Along with not loving me, you stopped calling me Chief or Blair in the last few days. I didn't do anything wrong but here I am paying for it anyhow. You're the only person I've ever loved. I'm real sorry that I let you down." Blair took off out the front door and Jim could still hear his sobs.

Jim slammed the door and threw himself on the sofa. Well, Ellison, you got just what you wanted.

Meanwhile, across town, Conner called Simon. "Banks,"

"Sir, it's me. I wanted to tell you about a little party we have planned tomorrow for Sandy." Conner was humming with happiness.

"You and who?" Simon asked.

"Me and Ellison. Who did you think?"

"Well, hold off on that, all right? What was the party for anyhow?"

"We all missed his birthday while he was undercover. Simon, let's do it tomorrow. I think it would make him so happy." Conner was almost begging.

"Conner, that would be great but he doesn't live at the loft any more." Simon knew she was going to explode.

"What are you talking about, Simon? I just talked to Jim about four hours ago. Things were fine."

"Well, they aren't. Jim told him to move to the small bedroom and Sandburg moved out. He just called to let me know where he was for work."

"Where is he? God, I can't believe this. After all he's been through, Jim lets him go." Conner started to cry and Simon cut her off at the pass.

"Conner, crying doesn't help a damn thing. So stop doing it." Simon commanded. "He's staying at his friend, Keith's, house."

"Well, I'm having a birthday party for him tomorrow. I'll have it here. Are you going to come?"

"Yes, Conner, I'll be there," Simon said sadly. He knew this was his fault.

"Will you call Rafe, Brown and Joel and tell them to be here tomorrow at 3:00?" Conner asked nicely.

"Yeah. You going to invite Jim?"

"I don't know yet. I might," Conner was ready to plan this thing now. "Talk to you later, Simon."

She called Harper and Meyers and told them what was going on and invited them to the party.

"We'll be there, Conner," Harper said quickly.

"I'll see you both then?"

"Yes, Conner. We're fine," Harper said with a smile in his voice.

"Well, I guess I better call the birthday boy," Conner laughed as she dialed Keith's number.

"Sandburg."

"Hey Sandy, what are you doing tomorrow at 3:00?"

"Nothing, why? What's happening?"

"I'm having a get together for Meyers birthday. So you'll come?" Conner asked.

"Sure. Ah... Is Jim going to be there?" Blair was suddenly very uncertain about what he should do or say.

"Yeah, I'm going to invite him, Sandy, but if he's smart he'll stay clear of all of us."

"Conner, this is what I 'so' didn't want to happen."

"Well, tough. It's too late now. So we'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah, Conner. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks for the invite."

"Bye, Sandy." Conner got off the phone and called Jim straight away.

"Ellison."

"Conner."

"Very funny, Conner. What do you want?"

"I'm having the party for Sandy tomorrow at 3:00. I know you won't come but I wanted to invite you anyway." Conner couldn't believe how she talked to him sometimes.

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"You'll be there?"

"Are you having trouble understanding me today, Conner?"

"Jim, you just broke up with Sandy. I was just being nice. I didn't expect you to actually come."

"Well, I want to come. We all missed his birthday while he was in there. So I'll be there."

"Jim?"

"What? You going to give me a lecture?"

"Nope... You better buy him something really nice. Wanna go shopping, with me now?"

"That would be nice." Jim was really glad she was going to come with him.

"Give me a few minutes and we'll have dinner and shop."

"Okay. Thanks, Conner." Jim hung up the phone and waited patiently for her to get there.

***

At Keith's house, Blair lay in bed sad, depressed and still crying. "Jim's right, it is fucking unmanly. I'm going to stop doing this shit." Blair got up and got dressed to go out for dinner.

***

Conner picked Jim up and they went to the nice sandwich shop near the jewelry store that she was going to force Jim into afterwards. They sat and talked about a little bit of everything, except for Sandburg. His name wasn't mentioned and this made Jim feel like he died or something. While they were sitting there she told Jim a joke and he started laughing really hard and then put his head on the table. Conner figured out he was crying. She pulled Jim's face up and held it in her hands and was talking to him when Blair walked into the restaurant. He saw how cozy the two of them were and realized now why things weren't the same with he and Jim. He walked out before either of them noticed.

"You wanna tell me what that was all about, Jim?"

"God, I fuck everything up in my life. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and I made him feel like crap."

"It's not too late. You can fix it, Jim. You're going to give him a ring and it's going to be inscribed and you're going to beg, even if it's in front of all of us. Do you understand?" Conner asked, not really expecting no for an answer.

"Yes, I understand."

"Okay, first of all, what is the problem? Why did you break up?"

"Conner, I'm not telling you. God, some things are personal."

"Fine, I'll just go home." Conner stood up and Jim pulled her back down into the chair.

"I can't fuck him," Jim whispered to her.

"You mean you can't get hard?" she whispered back.

"No... I just can't fuck him. I let him fuck me but all I can think about is Harper when I look at his ass now." Jim looked at her waiting for the yelling.

"Do you think you should start seeing a therapist for that? He's got a beautiful ass, Jim, and someone else will start to use it if you don't." Conner figured that might scare him.

"What do you mean?"

"Like the guy he's staying with, Keith. Have you ever seen him?" Conner asked evilly.

"No, why?"

"He's gorgeous and he wants Sandy big time and Sandy will probably give in one of these days." She sat back and smiled at her evil work.

"Fuck... I'm fucked no matter what," Jim whispered.

"Actually, I think that you need to make some decisions. You need to decide if he appeals to you anymore or not. If not, let him go. He deserves to be happy, Jim. Okay?"

"Okay. I'll think on it tonight and make my decision. Do you want to go shopping now?"

"Sure." Conner led the way out of the shop and couldn't wait to see how much she could make him spend.

Neither of them noticed the sad young man sitting on the bench across the street. He saw them go into the jewelry shop and watched them laugh, talk, joke and spend money together. He noticed that Conner seemed to have her hands on Jim a lot. He had never noticed that. Must have happened while I was away.

Blair walked to his car, got in and drove over to Harper's place. He knocked on the door and Harper pulled him inside and he and Meyers held him and let him cry. They didn't tell him he was unmanly.

Jim and Conner decided on a gorgeous necklace and bracelet. One had a panther on it and the other had a wolf. Jim inscribed both with Jim and Blair forever. Conner cracked up when she read it.

"Jim, that's so you. Only you would put something from high school."

"You think he'll laugh?"

"No, he'll probably cry 'cuz it'll make him happy"

"I better get home. I have to wrap these and get some food made for tomorrow."

"So does that mean that you're going to try to work things out?" Conner asked hopefully.

"Hell! I have no idea but I do know that I want him to have a nice birthday," Jim said as he rode with Conner to go home.

"Oh god, he's going to fuck this up, I can see it now," Conner said to herself as she drove home after dropping Jim off.

Day 46

Jim got the food ready to go and the gifts and made his way downstairs to head over to Conner's place.

Once there he helped her decorate and get all food set out for everyone.

"Thanks for coming early, Jim. Any decisions yet?"

"No, I figured I'd play it by ear." Jim went back to blowing up the balloons.

"But Jim, you don't want to fuck him. You can't play something like that by ear. You can't hurt him like that."

"I said I'm thinking about it," Jim growled.

"Fine," Conner growled back.

At 3:00, everyone showed up but the birthday boy. They all sat around acting like it were no big thing but Jim knew it was because he was there. He had ruined Blair's birthday surprise.

Harper walked up to him and said, "Prick."

Jim shoved him and said, "Fucker."

"Fucking prick." Harper shoved Jim so hard that Jim landed on the floor that time.

"Cocksucker." Jim yelled at him as he went to shove him back.

"Hey, is this foreplay? I've always wondered what gay men do differently. So is this foreplay? Way cool. Reminds me a little of wrestling." Conner stood between the two men.

"It's none of your business, Conner." Jim shouted.

"Well, it is mine. Now knock it off." Simon shouted louder than anyone did.

He left before anyone else and didn't talk much to anyone after the display he put on. You don't deserve friends, you bastard.

Day 47

Jim wasn't looking forward to working with Sandburg. He knew it was going to be uncomfortable. Why not put in for a transfer and make him feel even worse about things?

Blair walked in and sat at his desk, next to Jim's. "Jim, are we going to be okay to work together?"

"Yeah. We'll be fine, Sandburg,"

"Good." Blair started catching up on all of his paperwork.

"So how come you didn't come for the party yesterday?" Jim couldn't let it go.

"Because I had already spent the evening with him, so I figured that was more than enough and didn't want to force him to put up with me during the party," Blair was explaining and saw a very hurt look on Jim's face.

"So I take it you like him."

Blair stopped what he was doing when he realized they must be in the Ellison zone. "Jim, what in the hell are you talking about?"

"You said you spent the evening with him and I just asked if you liked him?"

"Of course I like him, you moron." Blair got up and went for coffee. He needed something to wake himself up.

Blair was right in the middle of taking a drink of coffee when Jim whispered, "I miss you."

Blair spit coffee all over himself and Rafe's new suit. "Sorry, man. Sorry."

"Oh like he cares." Jim pulled Blair away from trying to clean off his shirt and said, "Did you hear me?"

"Well hell yeah, I heard you but it makes no sense. What is Conner busy tonight?"

"What does Conner have to do with this, Sandburg?"

"I saw how cozy the two of you were on Saturday. Don't you even try and deny it. And you know what? I don't want to do this Jim. I'd rather be single for a while," and having said that, he walked back into the bullpen and did more paperwork.

Jim went and sat at his desk and tried to figure out where his plan had gone wrong.

Harper walked over to the desk and said, "Hey Sandburg, want to go for dinner tonight?"

Jim stared at the two of them and wanted to throw up. Instead, he stood up and threw Harper to the floor and the fight was on. They just kept wrestling and smacking each other, not really hurting each other, but it didn't matter to Blair. "Knock it off you two. I mean it. Right now."

They both totally ignored Sandburg and kept wrestling. Conner walked in and said, "Oh cool. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight."

"Don't encourage them, Conner. They're both acting like idiots." Sandburg went to get Simon.

"All right you two, knock it off," Simon shouted and both men stopped as they got up from the floor.

"How do you do that, sir?"

"It's all in my vocal chords, Sandburg. Everyone else back to work. Ellison and Harper, get your asses into my office." Simon looked around to see if anyone was actually listening and was happy to see that everyone was back to work.

Conner walked back over to her desk and finished her paperwork. She missed the evil looks that Blair had been giving her.

"What is wrong with the two of you? You're fucking detectives. You don't wrestle on the floor of the bullpen. Keep this shit out of here. Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir," Harper said as he left.

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry," Jim said as he left.

"Ellison, stay a minute,"

"What?" an apprehensive Jim Ellison asked.

"Are you even trying to work things out with Sandburg? You're both miserable without the other. Fix it." Simon shoved Jim out the door as he concluded his little speech.

***

At the end of the day, Rafe said, "Hey we're all going down to the Pub. You two want to come?"

"Sure, that might be fun," Blair said as he stood up taking his leave.

"Sandburg, I thought we might talk." Jim really hated whining, but he couldn't see any other way out.

"I told you I don't want to get back together. Deal with it." Blair walked to the elevator without even saying a goodbye.

Jim went home, but Blair went to the Pub and threw darts until his arm ached.

"Sandburg, you might want to give him a break," Simon was well on his way to being toasted.

"Why, sir?"

"You should have seen the presents he got for you. We're talking nice things. Conner said she took Jim to a fancy jewelry shop for them. It's not his fault that you didn't show up for your own party." Simon was starting to slouch more each minute.

"Sir, it wasn't my birthday."

"We know. Jim was all upset while you were inside and we all missed it. So he and Conner planned it. Then you didn't show up. He thinks you have a boyfriend."

"I swear we could give Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman a run for her money. We're past dysfunctional." Blair was up and heading towards the door. "Bye, everyone. See you tomorrow."

***

Jim was sleeping already when he heard someone at the door. Then he heard the door open and he grabbed his gun.

"It's me, Jim. Don't shoot."

"What are you doing here? And if you moved out, how come you still have a key?"

"Because I never intended on staying away for too long. I don't like being away from you."

"Could have fooled me," Jim spat out.

"Excuse me, who's the one that won't fuck me?"

"Low blow, Chief. Low blow."

"I want you to fuck me. Right here and right now." Blair looked to see if Jim was going to freak out.

He pulled Blair into his arms and said, "I'm scared, Chief. God, I love you so much."

"There is no reason to be scared, Jim. It's just me. Now tell me why you're afraid."

"I'm afraid that I won't measure up after Harper made love to you."

"He didn't make love to me, Jim. He fucked me so the monsters would know I belonged to him."

Blair started to cry as Jim moved in closer. "I don't want to be reminded of him. That's a terrible time for me. Anything from that prison is a nightmare for me. I want you to fuck me like you used to. I want you to love me like you used to."

"Blair, I do love you. I've always loved you. I'm just an idiot. Come on. Follow me." Jim led him upstairs where he made sweet love to him, twice.

Jim didn't care how unmanly it was, he cried when he made love to Blair. Blair cried too, because he knew that things were going to be all right.

In the morning Jim gave Blair his presents and told him Happy Birthday, late. Blair opened up the package and went into Jim's arms again. "Make love to me again?"

"No, you'll be sore. You make love to me this time," and Blair did just that. There was one thing that Jim was always certain of. How much he needed Sandburg.

***

The day at work was uneventful and quiet. Jim was grateful for that. While he sat at his desk, he made reservations at a really nice restaurant for that night. He was going to woo his man.

When they went out to dinner, they danced until they were exhausted. Jim wanted to show Blair how much he really did mean to him. Everyone on the dance floor stopped and watched Jim and Blair, as they seemed to move as one. Blair always told Jim they were like poetry in motion.

"You do know what you have to do, right?" Blair asked as they were driving home.

"No, what?"

"You have to apologize to Harper. He didn't do anything except his job."

"I'll do it tomorrow at work. Is that good enough?" Jim asked hoping that would be.

"Nope, we're going to stop by tonight."

"Chief, do you enjoy bossing me around?"

"Damned straight." Blair giggled at the pun.

"I was hoping that we could go home and make love," Jim whispered.

"Nope, we're going to their place and you're going to make nice." Blair pulled Jim into his arms to let him know things would be all right.

When they stood outside their friend's apartment, Blair knocked loudly. After a few moments, there was no answer and Jim said, "Okay, they're not here. Let's go upstairs."

"No such luck, Ellison," Meyers said as he opened the door.

"Hey, Mey, how goes it?" Blair asked as he did one of those hand shake things with him.

"Pretty good, Sandburg. Are we going to see some sucking up tonight?"

"Oh, yeah. He's primed and ready." Blair laughed at the look on Jim's face.

"Why are you two speaking about me as if I'm not in the room?"

Harper came down the stairs and said, "Because you're just that easy, hot shot."

"You told them you call me hot shot?" Jim looked horrified.

"I don't know how to tell you this, Ellison, but I call Mey hot shot and he calls me hot shot. You don't own the market on those words." Harper was trying not to laugh.

"Jim, give him and hug and tell him how sorry you are." Blair was pushing him towards Harper.

"I'd rather be abducted by aliens," Jim said crossing his arms over his chest. "Not just abducted, but I'd rather have the probe done and everything."

"Fine, just apologize, smart ass," Blair said tersely.

"Harper, I'm really sorry for being an asshole," Jim said and then moved towards the door. Looking back he saw he was alone and asked, "Chief, what's wrong? I did it. If we hurry we might be able to catch CSI."

"Jim, that was a terrible apology." Blair glared at him until he came back.

"Ellison, do you even know what you're apologizing for?" Harper asked.

"Sort of. He didn't tell me everything, but I know that I was mean to you and I shouldn't have embarrassed you at work with the wrestling match."

Harper went and sat on the couch and patted it and said, "Sit down and tell me why you're sorry."

"Blair, you never said I would have to do this. I want to go home now." Jim was freaking out, and everyone could tell.

"Jim, sit..." Harper said loudly.

And a weird thing happened; Ellison sat down.

"I was watching a rerun of Soap last night and it reminded me of the two of us," Harper said this so casually that Jim didn't know what to make of it.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Jim really did want to hear this answer.

"Have you seen it?" Harper asked him.

"Well, of course, I've seen it. I think everyone's seen it."

"Well, you remind me of Burt Campbell and I remind me of his step-son, Danny Dallas, that's a deputy to Burt's Sheriff. They're at each other's throats all the time. They love each other, but they just can't seem to get along. No matter how hard Danny tries, he just can't seem to make Burt happy. So I think maybe we weren't meant to be friends. It's all right. We can still work together, but you won't have to hang with me. I'm tired. Goodnight, everyone," Harper got up with such a sad look on his face that everyone's heart was broken.

"Did you ever think that maybe I might need someone to help me when I'm trying to become invisible?" Jim said quickly, getting Harper's attention.

"What are you talking about, Jim?" Blair asked.

"They're so young, aren't they?" Harper asked Jim.

"We can't hold it against them because they make us older guys feel really good," Jim said laughing.

"I guess I could stick around and help you when you feel the need to become invisible." Harper just stood there not knowing what he should do.

"Hell! Lately I want to be invisible all the time." Jim looked up at Harper, not sure of what to do, either.

Blair and Meyers stared at them still lost.

"I didn't mean it when I said I'd rather be abducted by aliens than hug you. I'm sorry, Harp," Jim went into his arms and they hugged for a long time.

"Well, I hope there's no crying because that's not allowed tonight," Meyers said jokingly. "Does someone want to tell me and Sandburg about this Soap thing?"

Jim and Harper laughed as they sat down and started to tell the youngsters about one of the most fun shows on television.

Day 60

That night began the first of many nightmares for one Blair Sandburg. Jim woke to his mumbling and then he really listened to what he was saying.

"No. No. Please, no. Jim, help me. NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jim was finally able to wake him from his screaming nightmare. "What's going on, man?"

"You were having a terrible nightmare," Jim held on tight.

"Did I say something to upset you?" Blair was concerned at how tight Jim was holding him.

"No, I just don't like you to have nightmares." Jim loosened his grip on him and started rubbing his back. He had hopes that he could fall asleep and they wouldn't have to deal with that again.

For the next ten nights, Blair had the very same nightmare. He was getting harder and harder to wake up and it was breaking Jim's heart. Jim knew he was going to have to talk to someone about this.

Day 70

"Conner, would you like to go to lunch with me?" Jim asked as he walked by her desk.

"Where's Sandy?"

"Well, he's in court, Missy, and I can ask you to lunch if I want to." Jim laughed at the look on her face over being called Missy.

"Sure, I'll go. Are we going to somewhere bad for us?"

"Where else?" Jim laughed as they walked to the stairway.

When they arrived at a nice Chinese restaurant Megan was surprised. "I thought you said bad for us?"

"Give this place a chance. I love it here. It's nice and quiet and I need to talk to you." Jim had on his serious face.

"Oh god, please don't tell me you're breaking up. I couldn't stand it, mate."

"No, I just need to talk to you. Let's let them seat us and we'll order and then we'll talk." The two friends followed the waitress and sat down in the large booth.

"I know why you're comfortable here. These are huge booths. I love them. I hate being cramped up in a small one," Conner stretched out as she spoke.

They both placed their order and then Conner stared at Jim, waiting.

"Come on, what's going on?" Conner watched as Jim tried to keep his composure. He was failing rapidly. "Ellison, you're scaring me."

"He blames me, Conner." It came out as a whisper and Conner wasn't certain that was even what he said.

"How do you know this? He told you he blames you?"

"Ten nights in a row he's said it in his sleep and we don't have sex any more. I don't push him and he's glad to not have to deal with it." Jim was trying to remain strong because, after all, Jim Ellison wasn't going to breakdown and cry in the middle of a restaurant.

"Jim, you need to speak with him about it. You owe it to him,"

"Conner, he blames me. It won't be long and he'll be gone." Jim's head was hanging now.

"I have to run to the restroom, I'll be right back. Hold that thought." Conner took off for the bathroom. Once inside she pulled her cell phone out and called Sandy.

"Sandburg."

"Sandy, where are you?"

"I'm at the station, Conner. Where are you and Jim?"

"We're at Kung Pow's on Central. Will you join us?" Conner was trying not to make it sound urgent.

"Conner, is something wrong with Jim?"

"No, nothing's wrong. I just miss you."

"You miss me?" Blair sat there thinking for a moment.

"Sandy, are you coming or not?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute. Order me Shrimp and Snow Peas with steamed rice, not fried." Blair put the phone down and went to tell Simon he was leaving.

Conner walked back to the table and caught the eye of the waitress and said, "Could I order something to go, also?"

"Yes, what do you need?" she asked sweetly.

Conner put in the order and then looked over at Jim. "You're taking Blair lunch?"

"Well, he'll be hungry when he gets through at Court. Now tell me more about what we were talking about." Conner was putting her best mate face on now and hoped Blair would get here soon.

"If you had a chance, would you sleep with me?"

"Ellison, that's a bad question. I'm your friend and I'm Sandy's friend, so I guess not."

As they talked, Jim was getting more and more upset thinking about all of this. Conner looked over his shoulder and saw Sandy standing there wondering why the Sentinel didn't hear him anymore.

"So, Jim, why would you want to sleep with me?"

"Because I want to see if anyone would want me any more," Jim said sorrowfully.

"Ellison, Sandy adores you."

"Not anymore. He blames me and he doesn't love me anymore," Jim broke down and started crying softly. Blair slid into the booth with him and held him close.

"Hey, big man. I love you more than breathing. Want to tell me what this is about?" Blair looked into his lover's pain filled eyes.

"For ten day's you've been blaming me in your nightmares." Jim was sobbing harder now.

"So you're blaming me for what's going on in my nightmares?"

Jim stopped crying and blew his nose. "I need to get back to work."

"Fuck work. We're going to discuss this. What do I say every night?"

"No. No. Please no. Jim, help me. NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jim said quietly.

"You've been listening to me say this ten nights in a row and it didn't occur to you that we might need some help?" Blair was angry and Jim knew this would be the beginning of the end.

"Chief, I need to leave. Would you move?"

"Don't let him go, Sandy. I'm telling you he looked like this a few times while you were inside and..."

"Shut up, Conner, just shut up," Jim growled.

"What are you talking about, Conner?" Blair had to know now.

"Nothing, she's sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong," Jim snapped.

"Oh, the big bad man couldn't seem to fathom a life without you in it," Conner spit out angrily.

Jim's arm went out so fast that no one was expecting it and he hit her hard. "Jim, what are you doing? Conner, are you all right?" Blair jumped up to see if she was hurt bad.

"Move your hands. Let me see it," Blair begged, worried what he would find underneath. She finally moved her hands and Blair gasped. Her cheek and eye were already black and blue.

Blair turned to yell at Jim and saw he was gone. Conner noticed, too. "Sandy, you have to find him now. I was trying to tell you that he tried three different times to kill himself while you were inside."

"Oh shit..." Blair shot out the door and then came back and said, "Come on. You're coming along. He's going to see what he did. There is no excuse for this."

Blair paid the bill and they went to the loft. Jim's truck was there, so Blair was right in figuring he would come home to do it.

Both of them ran up the stairs and Blair opened the door and heard nothing. They walked inside, shut the door and they listened. Blair heard moaning coming from their bedroom. He rushed up the stairs and Jim seemed to be asleep and it wasn't a peaceful sleep.

Blair climbed on the bed and said, "Jim, wake up."

Jim opened his eyes and said, "I hit my best mate. I hit my best mate. I hit my best mate." He was getting more hysterical by the minute.

Conner slid in next to him on the bed and said, "I was pushing you, mate. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that to you. Come here and let me hold you. You need some sleep. That's what's wrong, isn't it?"

Jim went into her arms and she rubbed his back and talked about how they were still best mates. Soon Jim was sound asleep and Conner was heartbroken for all of them.

"Sandy, is it just me or are we all totally fucked in the head?"

"Nope, we're all totally fucked in the head. We're going to start seeing a therapist. Want to join us?" Blair asked in all seriousness.

"Yeah, that's a great idea. Now we just need to talk the grump into it." Conner smiled down at the sleeping man in her arms.

"He seemed really upset about hitting you but if you want to press charges, I understand. He'll understand, too." Blair hoped he wouldn't have to go through this but he wanted to give Conner an out.

"He's my best mate, Sandy. We're really close and I know that he's tired and upset. You need to tell him it's not his fault. He loves you so much but he's one of those people that associates sex with being happy. You haven't had sex in ten days so he figures it's his fault." Conner took a breath after the little speech.

"He's not wrong. I did blame him for a long time. I never knew it would come up. God, he's so precious to me. And to think I almost lost him. If it hadn't have been for you..." Blair went downstairs and called in to work. He explained a little of what was going on and then went back upstairs to sleep with his friends.

Conner was going to take some of her clothing off and Jim started moaning as she moved. "Jim, let me take some clothes off and then I'll go to sleep with you." Conner then stood up and took her clothing off and put a tee shirt of Jim's on and slid into bed.

Blair undressed Jim without much trouble. Finally, they were all settled and got to sleep.

About midnight, Blair started having his nightmare. Conner woke when Jim stiffened in her arms. Then she heard him say, "No. No. Please, no. Jim, help me. NOOOOOOOOOOO!" She leaned across the bed and smacked him on his shoulder and said, "Sandy, wake up."

"What? What's wrong?" Blair said, sitting up.

"You're having one of those nightmares again. You all right?"

"Yeah, thanks, Conner. Go back to sleep." Blair curled back onto the bed and went to sleep.

Conner looked down at Jim and saw him staring at her. "Is something wrong, Jim?"

"Nothing a cold shower won't help," Jim tried to get up from the bed.

"No. Make love to Blair now." Conner pushed him over to Blair's side.

"Chief? Jim kissed his neck and moved up to his lips. "Chief, are you awake?"

"I am now," he said, laughing.

Jim pushed Blair's boxers down and started stroking his cock gently. "Jim, Conner's on the bed with us. We can't do that."

"She made me. She's blocking us out." Jim went down on Blair and began to suck his cock in earnest.

He stopped for a moment and slid out of his clothing and was standing there naked. He saw Conner watching him and he just moved on.

Blair glanced over at Conner and saw her smile at them and then she turned on her side. Jim moved down in between Blair's legs again and began to suck his cock once more. Blair was thrusting into Jim's mouth so hard at this moment; they both knew it wouldn't be long now. Jim sucked a few more times and Blair came, howling.

Jim reached over and got the lube and began to prepare Blair. Jim put a pillow underneath him and started to tongue fuck him. He knew that Blair loved this and he hadn't done it since they had been back together. It was a good idea. Blair was squirming and moaning. Jim looked over and saw Conner watching him this time. For some reason this made him even hotter.

He began to slide his fingers in for stretching and Blair was ready in no time flat. "Jim, do me now."

Jim flipped Blair over and threw his legs over his shoulder and slid into the hot, tight, channel. Blair moaned for a few moments and then he told Jim, "Move babe."

Jim started fucking him slow and gentle. He looked over and saw a very turned on Conner and felt bad for her. He leaned down to Blair and whispered, "She's embarrassed about touching herself. Make her feel comfortable." Jim went back to the slow fucking.

Blair pulled Conner closer to them and he kissed her and said, "It'll make Jim really hot if you touch yourself."

She stripped off her panties and Jim's tee shirt and started to touch herself. Blair was right; it was making Jim hot. He was breathing harder. Jim kept licking his lips while he was watching her. Blair thought that was so damn funny because both of them would say it wasn't so tomorrow.

She began to get more focused on sliding her finger inside of her. She was starting to moan as her fingers began to rub and stroke her clit. Jim started speeding up the strokes he was giving Blair.

"Oh man, oh man, oh man. I'm coming, babe. Fuck me hard, Jim," Blair was chanting by this time.

Megan Conner watched the two of them and it made her come so hard she thought her head would explode. She watched Jim and saw this look come across his face when he came. It was pure adoration, chaste love, unadulterated lust and untainted wonder. There was no doubt in Conner's mind how much he treasured Sandburg. Now if they could just figure it out.

Jim cleaned Blair off and rolled him over to go to sleep. Jim cleaned himself off and then he moved in between Conner's legs.

"Jim, what are you doing?"

"I can still smell your arousal. I'm going to help you out here. We can't do this again but I want to do this for you." Jim began to tongue fuck her and she wasn't quiet about it, either.

Blair moved over and kissed her and she moaned into his mouth. "He's got a good tongue, doesn't he?"

The next thing she knew she was waking up and she was humping against Jim's body. She had been dreaming. She looked over and saw that Jim and Blair were both sleeping. She continued to move her body to rub in just the right places against Jim's body. She was trying to be fast and quiet and it was going well until she heard, "Conner?"

"Shit... Sorry, Jim," Conner wondered if anyone really died of embarrassment.

"Conner, what do you need?"

"Something you can't give me."

"Blair? Conner's really horny, can we help her out?" Jim asked with such a sweet sound to his voice that Conner wondered if he was a pod Jim.

"Oh yeah, let's help her out. Conner, you suck my cock and Jim will fuck your cunt," Blair growled out.

"Sandy, don't call it my cunt,"

"Conner... Conner... For god's sake wake up before we're all embarrassed." Conner woke to Jim's voice and it wasn't the one she had just heard.

"What?" she asked.

"Conner, can I have my cock back?" Jim made her look down and she about died.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Jim. Well since it's already hard do you want me to help you?"

"No... Go to sleep, you horny woman."

Jim curled up to Blair and said, "If she jumps me again, I'm fucking her."

"Over my dead body," Blair snarled.

"I could arrange that," Conner teased.

Day 71

When Jim woke up the next morning he heard Conner and Blair making breakfast and talking. He smiled at the thought of how close they all were.

Jim walked down the stairs, went to say good morning, saw Conner's face and rushed into the bathroom and started to throw up.

"Okay. He's not taking the new look well," Blair said, trying to make light of a terrible situation.

"Jim, come on. Puking is 'so' not healthy. Come on, let's get up and get something in your stomach," Blair was helping the large man up off the floor.

When he walked out to the dining room, he pulled her into his arms and started to chant. "Jesus, I'm so, so, so sorry. Conner, I can't believe I did that to you. You're my best mate and I did this to you?" Jim continued to yell at himself in anguish.

"Jim, settle down. I'm fine. I pushed you. You were upset and tired. I knew it and I still pushed you. We're fine. Okay?"

"I'm so sorry," Jim said quietly.

"I know you are, Jim. You told me last night. As for the face, to everyone else, I fell down the stairs after having one too many drinks. Is this understood?"

"Conner, you really should tell Simon that I did that to you." Jim tried to get his opinion stated.

"You're not listening. I fell down the stairs because I was too drunk. Understood?" Conner looked at the two men and waited for their replies.

"Understood, ma'am," Blair said, smiling.

"I don't like it, Conner, but understood," Jim finally answered.

"Jim, they would all come after you if they knew you did it. They wouldn't ask how it happened, just by whom. I can't have them after my best mate."

"Hey, Conner, were you trying to jump Jim's bones all night long?" Blair was laughing now.

"Yes, I was. And damn it, he stopped me. Shit! I hate a man that's loyal," Conner teased back.

"I don't hate that in a man." Blair smiled.

While Jim jumped in the shower, Conner made three appointments with the therapist's office. Matthew Murphy could see them that morning, so they were going to go with him.

Jim walked out of the bathroom, ready to get dressed for work and Blair said, "We've got appointments in an hour. I already let Simon know that we'll be late."

"I don't need to see a therapist. I think we got everything figured out last night, don't you?" Jim wasn't planning on seeing anyone.

"Conner and I are going anyway. If you don't want to, fuck you." Blair slammed down the dishes he was washing and got ready to go.

"Ellison, let's go. This will help us all," Conner begged.

"Fine..." Jim stomped upstairs to get dressed and didn't say a word to his lover while up there.

When they arrived at the office of Matt Murphy, they sat down and filled out all of the paperwork that was needed.

After about an hour, a small woman called their names and told them to follow her to Matt's office.

Leaning into Blair, Jim whispered, "What kind of therapist let's everyone call him Matt?"

"Don't start, Jim. I mean it." Blair gave him 'the' look.

They all walked in and sat down and waited for 'Matt'.

A tall good looking man walked in and said, "Hi. I'm Matt Murphy. You can call me Matt."

Jim glared at Blair and Blair glared back.

"It's very nice to meet you, Matt. My name's Megan Conner. You can call me Megan or Conner. Everyone at work calls me Conner."

"Nice to meet you, Conner. And who are the angry gentlemen," Matt said, smiling.

"Well, if you knew them, you'd never call them that," Conner said, laughing.

"Conner, we're here for help, not to joke around. My name is James Ellison. You can call me Ellison."

"Nice to meet you, Ellison. You wouldn't prefer Jim? I noticed your file has Jim on it." Matt was trying to draw Jim out, but it wasn't working.

"No, I prefer Ellison. Can we get to the helping part? I have to go to work."

"Is he always this much fun?" Matt asked seriously this time.

"Yes, he is. Hello, Matt. My name is Blair Sandburg and this is my better half, usually but lately he's been a pain in my butt and not a good one." Blair was angry and Matt could tell.

"Chief, why did you just tell him that? You never said that we were going to tell him we were lovers."

"Conner, hold me back. I'm going to fucking kill him," Blair said in all honestly.

"Jim, sit down. Now Blair, would you please tell me what's going on? Why you're here. And last but not least, why is there another person with you?"

"See, I knew he was going to ask all of these questions. This sucks, Chief."

Blair began the long process of telling him all about them. He started with the undercover assignment and brought him up to date. He included the parts of Conner being Jim's best mate and that she had seen him try to kill himself more than once. Jim looked out the window the whole time Blair was talking. But when Blair started talking about the nightmares and how he might actually blame Jim, Jim lost it. He started for the door and Conner caught him first.

"No, sit down."

"Get out of my way Conner."

Whispering, she taunted, "What are you going to do, hit me again?"

Jim moved back from her and sat down. Matt noticed that Jim looked shell-shocked.

"Okay, we're going to start with how Jim feels now about his life. Do you still feel like you can't make it without Blair?" Matt sat there all poised with his notepad.

"I feel fine. I was very depressed at the time. As you can see things aren't the same."

"So now it doesn't bother you that your lover might blame you subconsciously? How do you deal with that?"

With his head hanging down he said, "I hit my best mate."

"You've hit Blair? Where did you think that would get you?"

"Blair's not my best mate. Megan is. Conner to you," Jim spat out.

"So that's where she got the shiner. Now did that make you feel better afterwards?" Matt asked.

"No, do I look like a fucking moron? I felt like shit. Conner, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Jim started the chanting thing again which scared Blair and Conner.

Conner sat down next to him and said, "Hey, we got this all worked out this morning. I'm fine and you're fine." Conner kissed him on the temple as she pulled away and Jim pulled her back and just kept her close to him.

"Conner, I think I should tell your supervisor about this," Matt said.

"Okay, well I've had enough of a good time. Let's go," Blair stood up and grabbed Conner and Jim and pulled them out the door.

"What are you doing? You're the one that said I needed therapy." Jim was trying to figure out what was going on.

"Not with this guy. We're going to find a group therapy one to go to. This guy was a nut job. Come on." Blair pulled both of them to the elevators.